Transformation

When I applied to the Peace Corps, I did so with the hope of becoming more like the returned volunteers I know. I wrote about them in my application letter: "My RPCV friends carry patience and strength in their demeanors, a quiet testament to all they have learned." There's just a certain something that RPCVs possess, and I aspire to understand it. I aspire to be more like them (and now, RPCV friends, you are probably chuckling at me).

Having nearly finished my three months of Pre-Service Training, I am faced with how hard and how slow personal change is. You see, the thing about transforming yourself is you have to still be yourself. You can't just take a break and set yourself aside for renovations. "Coming soon! Grand re-opening: June 2019!" It doesn't work that way. My biggest challenge in Peace Corps training has not been the 7 noun cases of the Ukrainian language, the multitude of forms to fill out, or the pickpockets on the Kyiv metro. No - my biggest challenge has been the fact that I'm still... me.

Sure, I have a new home, a new language, a new group of peers, a new title, a new job - but I'm still me. I carry with me the 10-year-old Cortney who was an obnoxious know-it-all, the 12-year-old Cortney who raged at herself over every little mistake in the horse show ring, the 16-year-old Cortney who was so afraid of her first serious crush that she would hide behind a book, and pretend not to see him so that she could escape having to be the first one to say "hi." I still get a bit pretentious when I drink whiskey,  I still find a classroom more comfortable than a casual conversation, and I still never know what to do with my hair. In other words, I might have neglected to pack peanut butter, but I remembered to bring along every little thing I don't quite like about myself.

When I stop to think about this, though, I feel a little better about it. Change is hard. I suppose my anxiety and self-criticism mean I am out of my comfort zone, and inching ever slowly and steadily along the path toward being a better person. For example, I haven't fully eliminated my tendency to be cruel to myself when I make mistakes, but I have certainly pushed that habit out of some arenas of my life - like horse shows. Now I just need to learn to be kind to myself when I do something like move several thousand miles away from all my friends and family to a place where I don't know anybody and don't speak the local language. And maybe while I'm at it I can keep working on that know-it-all thing; it's still going strong, but at least somewhat less obnoxiously, and it does sometimes come in handy for this whole learning-to-speak-Ukrainian thing.

I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to talk to cute guys, though.





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